Is it 5 o'clock yet??

Sitting here, again on Sunday and waiting for the clock to strike 5 (yes, I am aware that it is already a few minutes past 5), because that is when my babies come home.  I never asked to be a single mom, or to have to send my babies off and be without them for even 5 minutes....but every Sunday I find myself doing the very same thing...sitting on FB, watching out the window and wishing they would come home.  I feel like I was way better at sharing when I was in Kindergarten, but then again all I had to share back then was blocks and dolls....things I was not all that attached to.  The stakes are much higher now, because I have to hand my children over and find something to do with my life to take my mind off of the fact that they are not here.....with me......

I usually do the grocery shopping, which is actually a win-win for everyone, as the kids would rather do anything else in the world, and when I have them I tend to buy way more than what I actually need.  Oh, just looked out the window again.....This sucks.

When I had my children I remember being so happy, and excited to spend my life watching them grow up and sharing with them all of the things I love in life.  I never gave it even a moments thought that I could possibly be in a situation where I would not have them 24/7.  It is funny the things you miss about your children when they aren't with you...like even the way they argue, or the sound of those annoying toys (which, by the way, do not sound the same when you press the button to break up the silence).

I remember the first time they went...it was a long day, and I spent most of it dazed and wondering what they were doing and where they were going and when they would be back.  I remember getting a call earlier than planned, asking if I could pick them up because they were ready to come home....I remember crying when I had them back in my van.  I remember praying that night that I could be stronger and that I could let go a little easier....I remember knowing that it would never be easier and I would never be able to just let them go and walk away without feeling sad about it.

Even now, 3.5 years after the end of my marriage it is as hard to walk away as it was the very first time.  I miss them, and I don't "want" to be away from them....I don't like being away from them, or having to spend every minute from 4:30 until they come home watching out the window; and now that they are both in school I feel the loss even more.  I know it is normal, and I know that everyone who does this feels the same way....but it sucks.....Truck is here...my babies are home!!!!!

Organized, schmorganized......

Shocking revelation.....I am not the most organized person in the world!!  I know, hard to believe...okay, not really.  I WANT to be organized, but I can't seem to get it together enough to actually BE organized.  I have all of these great plans and I read about it and get ideas from pinterest...but when it comes right down to organizing my life, I just can't seem to follow through.  I keep wondering why, what is it that stops me??!!

I think I have figured it out.....I am in limbo, my life is not my own; or not yet anyway.  I have no end to what and who I was before so I can't really move forward to who and what I want to be...or who/what I feel like I am now.  I think that until I can actually break free and put all of the baggage and uncertainty behind me I will be unable to let go of the physical baggage...WOW, deep ......for me it is difficult to actually admit that all and put it "out there" for the world to read and see (not that I have a huge following...or a following at all) but maybe it is a positive step in the right direction.  I want the freedom that comes with being organized; I want the confidence that comes with being organized...and more than that, I want the neat-ness that comes with being organized.  Not having to sift though "stuff" to find what I am looking for.  Being able to have someone stop by without wondering how much stuff I can shove into a drawer before the person at the door leaves.....yep, that is why it takes me so long!!

I want organization in my house, for sure...but more than that, I want organization in my life; I want my body to benefit from the decrease in stress and annoyance.  Being disorganized is annoying....even to the person who is disorganized; I hate it...I hate admitting it to other people, and I hate admitting it to myself.  I don't like feeling stressed out at the idea of someone coming over, or the mad-dash cleaning that I have to do leading up to a visit...and I HATE wishing that I could get it together and actually make it last.  

So Spring is here, and I am going to work on finalizing my past and moving forward...and in my new life, I am going to be organized!!  I know, I know, you can't just SAY it you actually have to DO it; I am going to declutter and reorganize and make it last.  I am determined, and I am slowly starting to feel like I deserve it!!  Yay.....did I mention that Spring is my favorite season??  The rebirth of the flowers, trees and the earth....and more importantly, this Spring it is the rebirth of ME! 

I am a work in progress, but there is progress and that is most important!!

Slacking......just a bit!!

Okay, so it has been a while.........er, a loooooong time since I last posted anything.  I feel like I would have been posting some pretty boring stuff and maybe that is why I just didn't bother for so long, but the real reason is probably that I

A.)  Forgot my password, so I couldn't log in....yep, sure did forget it!!  and
B.)  I just have not felt like my message was going to be a positive one, which is what I want from my blog/words

I still don't have an agreement or divorce papers, which is frustrating and annoying...but I am also not fighting for it either.  I figure that it has to happen when both of us are in a place where we can meet in the middle, and I refuse to fight.  I also am still trying to find my "place", and feel a little less than cheery sometimes when I realize that I am still taking baby steps toward being who and what I want to be now.  Life is hard sometimes, and as much as I recognize the work that needs to be done, I am not always great at getting down to it and knuckling down until it is done!! 

Things are busy-ish with the kids in school, Ladybug is in Kindergarten and Pandaman is in Preschool, which is a really great thing because the schedule "works" for me...as if I had to say it aloud!!  lol  As anyone who knows me can attest, I need structure...that is probably an understatement, the lack of routine drives me batty and  I end up lazy and spending too many night hours on Facebook!!

In May it will be three years that I have been separated...THREE YEARS!!!  How did that happen??  Where did the time go??  It all seems impossible, and still no papers or finality....and me doing nothing about it is in part my way of letting go.  I am letting go and trying to just "go with it"....AHHHHHHH...yeah, it is hard.  So many things about the last 2.5 years have been hard, or uncomfortable.  So many things have been out of my control...but part of life is working WITH the things that make us crazy instead of fighting against them.  I am learning and growing and becoming the person I want to be...I want to be stronger and more confident, and I want to be "sure" of who I am; oh and I want to speak French...so that is what I am working on.  Slowly but surely I am becoming that person, you know the one I SHOULD have been all along but was too afraid to be...the one that I lost somewhere along the way.  I know she is in here, somewhere.....so until she comes out of this shell and takes a stand, I am going to continue to grow and learn and take my French classes in the hopes that one day I can actually speak French in a loud enough voice that everyone can hear without shaking or wanting to vomit....lol  Baby steps are still steps in the right direction!!

Jerri