Okay, so it has been a while.........er, a loooooong time since I last posted anything. I feel like I would have been posting some pretty boring stuff and maybe that is why I just didn't bother for so long, but the real reason is probably that I
A.) Forgot my password, so I couldn't log in....yep, sure did forget it!! and
B.) I just have not felt like my message was going to be a positive one, which is what I want from my blog/words
I still don't have an agreement or divorce papers, which is frustrating and annoying...but I am also not fighting for it either. I figure that it has to happen when both of us are in a place where we can meet in the middle, and I refuse to fight. I also am still trying to find my "place", and feel a little less than cheery sometimes when I realize that I am still taking baby steps toward being who and what I want to be now. Life is hard sometimes, and as much as I recognize the work that needs to be done, I am not always great at getting down to it and knuckling down until it is done!!
Things are busy-ish with the kids in school, Ladybug is in Kindergarten and Pandaman is in Preschool, which is a really great thing because the schedule "works" for me...as if I had to say it aloud!! lol As anyone who knows me can attest, I need structure...that is probably an understatement, the lack of routine drives me batty and I end up lazy and spending too many night hours on Facebook!!
In May it will be three years that I have been separated...THREE YEARS!!! How did that happen?? Where did the time go?? It all seems impossible, and still no papers or finality....and me doing nothing about it is in part my way of letting go. I am letting go and trying to just "go with it"....AHHHHHHH...yeah, it is hard. So many things about the last 2.5 years have been hard, or uncomfortable. So many things have been out of my control...but part of life is working WITH the things that make us crazy instead of fighting against them. I am learning and growing and becoming the person I want to be...I want to be stronger and more confident, and I want to be "sure" of who I am; oh and I want to speak French...so that is what I am working on. Slowly but surely I am becoming that person, you know the one I SHOULD have been all along but was too afraid to be...the one that I lost somewhere along the way. I know she is in here, somewhere.....so until she comes out of this shell and takes a stand, I am going to continue to grow and learn and take my French classes in the hopes that one day I can actually speak French in a loud enough voice that everyone can hear without shaking or wanting to vomit....lol Baby steps are still steps in the right direction!!
Jerri
