Why so structured?

So I find myself questioning why I have made my life so structured in the last 5 years; and although I truly do understand the benefit of routines in childrens' lives, I am also faced now with two children who do not adapt as well to change as many of their counterparts.  Now, if I am completely honest I will tell you that I myself am not "good with change", and have been that way since I can remember; but I wonder if I have created a monster here?!

With preschool starting Monday (holy cow, where did the time go), and the visits to the hospital to be with Ol'pa; the kids have not been on their regular routine and will never be back to the stringent one that I once had in place, but I do still find myself watching the clock and counting hours.  

It all started with timing feeds when I brought my first precious bundle home; I was so sure that if Ladybug went past 2 hours without a feed she would crumble and die that the poor child was fed by the clock for the first few months of life....and then I read some books and realized that she would let me know when she needed to eat...and I followed her cues to a much happier and more relaxed way of life.  Except that naps were strictly followed and were at the exact same time every day.  Then, just as I was starting to loosen my grip on the clock and the necessity for every day to be just like the last.....

My second bundle of love arrived, and I was once again gripped by the need to follow the clock and see to it that my babies were kept on routine.  I was not as determined to let the clock dictate feeds (I had learned my lesson with Ladybug), but Pandaman was indeed on a schedule.....of course my second child was not to be scheduled, he was determined to schedule himself!!

I am now faced with a 4 year old and a 2.5 year old who are very used to a structured life, and who thrive because of that structure....but in the end, it isn't always the best when things happen that are out of the ordinary.....and in the last year and a half, that is just what has been happening.

I am able to keep life here at home "the same", but I can not control everything that happens in their lives; and so, I am learning to let go of that and accept that if they are faced with too much, I will know and help them.  It is hard to believe that two small children can be so adaptable after so much structure; but I am proud of all of us for embracing the changes and new experiences and being happy to live a "different" life.

As for me, I am learning to accept the "new normal", and am really excited about the future; even though it is vastly different than the future I thought I would have.  I didn't ever expect to be a single mom, and certainly not when my children were still so young; but I am determined to be the best mom (single or not) that ever there was....and part of being the best mom is making sure that you make the right decisions and acknowledge when you don't so you can change what needs to be changed.  

So back to the question....why so structured?   That's simple....my kids have thrived on structure, routine and being scheduled.  As they get older I can relax a bit and let them lead; but I wouldn't change my parenting for anything, because following the clock, and following their cues led me to the schedule that they followed and also helped them to know what to expect...every day.  There are things in my life that I would change, but the schedule (as strict as it was early on) isn't one of the things I would change.

 

Ugh August.....

Not that there are any followers out there to notice when I don't post, but August has been a monster of a month and there were zero chances to actually sit down and post.  I am not usually one to make up excuses, but in this case it is the absolute truth!!  In the last half of July and into the early part of August I was trying to switch cable companies....and that brings us to the middle of the month with internet gone and no hope of getting it back....oh what a mess!!  I am back 'online' and so happy to be back....so now I have time to post a new blog about the things that have been happening in my little life since the last time I was here.

The saddest news I have is that my grandpa has been in the hospital for the last week and a half, and in that time I have come to realize the fragility of life and our positions in it.  My grandpa is 91 and up until his recent admittance to hospital, has been living on his own, in his own home, since my grandma passed years ago.  He was pretty much self-sufficient (other than the help that we gave him) and was happy to remain in that home until the day he died; that is no longer in the plans for him....and it make me sad.

I know that in his condition there is no way that he can go home and be "on his own", but I also know that he will be so disappointed as that is what he would truly like to do.  It truly makes a person think about how fast life can change from what we know it to be in this moment; and believe me, the changes to my life have already shown me that to a certain degree, but nothing prepares you to watch your grandparents or parents have to leave their home and become less and less able to take care of themselves; and when faced with this situation I find myself realizing just how important my every moment is.

I am in love with my job of stay-at-home-mom, and now even more so because I know that the time I spend with my children can never be replaced.  My daughter starts preschool this year and I am excited  to be the "classroom mom" and to watch her grow and learn and become more independent; and I am learning to let go and appreciate that her independence is an important step on her journey through life.  So many things happening all at the same time, and all of them give me more insight into life and the changes I need to make so that I can give my kid the best of me every day, because they deserve it and so do I.