Sometimes the most difficult things we have to do in life end up being really unimportant in the grand scheme of things....for me this is particularly hard to understand, because honestly I put so much more value into things than I need to. For example, when my separation first happened, I was adamant about so many things and was "not going to back down"; and then came a day when I looked at my life and realized that none of that stuff really matters that much.
I have my children, their health, my health, my parents are healthy....and honestly, after seeing my Grandpa go from healthy to gone in the matter of a few months; my life and its purpose sort of shifted. I still think that the most important things in life are my children and my family...and I believe in the importance of being the best person that I can possibly be; but I don't think that I "need" the other extraneous things or people that have cluttered my life up until now.
I have always been social, and enjoyed the company of other people. I am in no way a hermit, but I had stopped making myself available, and I stopped accepting invitations to go places and do things; because I felt like I needed to be home with my family. When the end came, I was shocked at how few "friends" I had left...or at least how few of them were still interested in calling, inviting..and being turned down. I always prided myself on being a "good friend", but I realized that I stopped putting in the effort that I always used to...yes, I had young children (still do, for those keeping track) but they don't eliminate the possibility of going anywhere...and they certainly don't make it impossible to keep up with friends. So...what was my problem?
I don't know what kept me from going out, or what kept me from being available; but in the end, I did what I always used to think was so terrible...I dropped people, people that I really cared about...yeah, shame on me!!
On to the reason for the blog...other than to point out what a crappy friend I have been in the last few years!! New Years Resolutions!!! Yeah, I have had the same one for the last 5 years, to lose weight!! I have done alright, some years better than others...but this year, my resolution is more vague and yet is also more important. My resolution this year is actually more of a goal, and it is one that i am making for me and my children so that we can have a better life and be happier over all. Here it is..... My resolution/goal is to be happy with who I am, to live my life the way I want it to be lived, and to sacrifice myself to no one. I want to be healthier, and more confident; but most of all, I want to be the BEST mom I could possibly be.
Here's the difference between past resolutions and this one.........I have already started working my way towards the goal, I am not waiting for New Years... This is one goal worth working on right away!!
Merry Christmas and a very Happy New Year to you all,
Jerri
Thursday, 22 December 2011
Saturday, 3 December 2011
Best Christmas gift ever???
In my life I would never have thought that divorce paperwork or even a finished separation agreement would be my idea of a perfect Christmas gift; but in light of current circumstances it is exactly what I would dream of having in my hot little hands Christmas morning.
It just seems like so much time and energy has gone into this, and I still have nothing to show for it...nothing. I look forward to moving forward...and no, that does not in any way mean dating or anything even close to it...with my life and finding myself again. I think that is the most important thing to me right now, learning who I am again and being able to be free. Free to live my life with my littles with no stress or looming meetings weighing me down; free to just think of myself and the kids..........
Honestly, this lack of freedom "feeling" has nothing to do with my ex, or the lawyers, or anything more than the fact that I do not have any papers saying that I am, in fact, not married anymore. I have nothing "settled" and am living in a kind of limbo that drives a person like me crazy; I don't feel like my own person.....yet!! And that little YET is what makes me trudge forward, even when it seems like it will never be done. I have no big plans...it's not like I am going to throw a party (I hear it is very popular to throw divorce parties), or take a big trip, or run out and find a boyfriend; because in reality the end of my marriage is also technically the end of a family...not really something to be celebrated, but I do look forward to "the papers"...in my hands.
There are many out there who fight longer and harder than I have to, just to be able to survive day to day, and I feel for those people because even what I have gone through in the last year and a half has been almost too much for me. I think that when people get married they should make up an agreement for "just in case" with a bunch of different scenarios in it so that if the end does come, there is an agreement in place that was done when they both loved and respected the other.......oh wait, there is something like that...a pre-nup!! Even if you don't have millions of dollars.....make a pre-nup and in that agreement come up with something that both of you can live with so that no one is fighting for survival. Even in the "nicest" of break-ups feelings are hurt and nasty things are said, and someone always ends up on the bottom.
The other piece of advice that I have is, love your kids more than you hate each other, and when you are in with your lawyer think of the kids winning instead of you or your ex. When an ex decides that they are "not going to pay" or that they are "going to milk them dry", the only people who really lose are the kids....and they lose big time. I am no expert, but people change, and when the chips are down and money is being divided and the person you swore to love forever is no longer so lovable....you really need to realize that the kids still see mommy and daddy...not enemy and friend or winner and loser.
Jerri
It just seems like so much time and energy has gone into this, and I still have nothing to show for it...nothing. I look forward to moving forward...and no, that does not in any way mean dating or anything even close to it...with my life and finding myself again. I think that is the most important thing to me right now, learning who I am again and being able to be free. Free to live my life with my littles with no stress or looming meetings weighing me down; free to just think of myself and the kids..........
Honestly, this lack of freedom "feeling" has nothing to do with my ex, or the lawyers, or anything more than the fact that I do not have any papers saying that I am, in fact, not married anymore. I have nothing "settled" and am living in a kind of limbo that drives a person like me crazy; I don't feel like my own person.....yet!! And that little YET is what makes me trudge forward, even when it seems like it will never be done. I have no big plans...it's not like I am going to throw a party (I hear it is very popular to throw divorce parties), or take a big trip, or run out and find a boyfriend; because in reality the end of my marriage is also technically the end of a family...not really something to be celebrated, but I do look forward to "the papers"...in my hands.
There are many out there who fight longer and harder than I have to, just to be able to survive day to day, and I feel for those people because even what I have gone through in the last year and a half has been almost too much for me. I think that when people get married they should make up an agreement for "just in case" with a bunch of different scenarios in it so that if the end does come, there is an agreement in place that was done when they both loved and respected the other.......oh wait, there is something like that...a pre-nup!! Even if you don't have millions of dollars.....make a pre-nup and in that agreement come up with something that both of you can live with so that no one is fighting for survival. Even in the "nicest" of break-ups feelings are hurt and nasty things are said, and someone always ends up on the bottom.
The other piece of advice that I have is, love your kids more than you hate each other, and when you are in with your lawyer think of the kids winning instead of you or your ex. When an ex decides that they are "not going to pay" or that they are "going to milk them dry", the only people who really lose are the kids....and they lose big time. I am no expert, but people change, and when the chips are down and money is being divided and the person you swore to love forever is no longer so lovable....you really need to realize that the kids still see mommy and daddy...not enemy and friend or winner and loser.
Jerri
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