Is it 5 o'clock yet??

Sitting here, again on Sunday and waiting for the clock to strike 5 (yes, I am aware that it is already a few minutes past 5), because that is when my babies come home.  I never asked to be a single mom, or to have to send my babies off and be without them for even 5 minutes....but every Sunday I find myself doing the very same thing...sitting on FB, watching out the window and wishing they would come home.  I feel like I was way better at sharing when I was in Kindergarten, but then again all I had to share back then was blocks and dolls....things I was not all that attached to.  The stakes are much higher now, because I have to hand my children over and find something to do with my life to take my mind off of the fact that they are not here.....with me......

I usually do the grocery shopping, which is actually a win-win for everyone, as the kids would rather do anything else in the world, and when I have them I tend to buy way more than what I actually need.  Oh, just looked out the window again.....This sucks.

When I had my children I remember being so happy, and excited to spend my life watching them grow up and sharing with them all of the things I love in life.  I never gave it even a moments thought that I could possibly be in a situation where I would not have them 24/7.  It is funny the things you miss about your children when they aren't with you...like even the way they argue, or the sound of those annoying toys (which, by the way, do not sound the same when you press the button to break up the silence).

I remember the first time they went...it was a long day, and I spent most of it dazed and wondering what they were doing and where they were going and when they would be back.  I remember getting a call earlier than planned, asking if I could pick them up because they were ready to come home....I remember crying when I had them back in my van.  I remember praying that night that I could be stronger and that I could let go a little easier....I remember knowing that it would never be easier and I would never be able to just let them go and walk away without feeling sad about it.

Even now, 3.5 years after the end of my marriage it is as hard to walk away as it was the very first time.  I miss them, and I don't "want" to be away from them....I don't like being away from them, or having to spend every minute from 4:30 until they come home watching out the window; and now that they are both in school I feel the loss even more.  I know it is normal, and I know that everyone who does this feels the same way....but it sucks.....Truck is here...my babies are home!!!!!

Organized, schmorganized......

Shocking revelation.....I am not the most organized person in the world!!  I know, hard to believe...okay, not really.  I WANT to be organized, but I can't seem to get it together enough to actually BE organized.  I have all of these great plans and I read about it and get ideas from pinterest...but when it comes right down to organizing my life, I just can't seem to follow through.  I keep wondering why, what is it that stops me??!!

I think I have figured it out.....I am in limbo, my life is not my own; or not yet anyway.  I have no end to what and who I was before so I can't really move forward to who and what I want to be...or who/what I feel like I am now.  I think that until I can actually break free and put all of the baggage and uncertainty behind me I will be unable to let go of the physical baggage...WOW, deep ......for me it is difficult to actually admit that all and put it "out there" for the world to read and see (not that I have a huge following...or a following at all) but maybe it is a positive step in the right direction.  I want the freedom that comes with being organized; I want the confidence that comes with being organized...and more than that, I want the neat-ness that comes with being organized.  Not having to sift though "stuff" to find what I am looking for.  Being able to have someone stop by without wondering how much stuff I can shove into a drawer before the person at the door leaves.....yep, that is why it takes me so long!!

I want organization in my house, for sure...but more than that, I want organization in my life; I want my body to benefit from the decrease in stress and annoyance.  Being disorganized is annoying....even to the person who is disorganized; I hate it...I hate admitting it to other people, and I hate admitting it to myself.  I don't like feeling stressed out at the idea of someone coming over, or the mad-dash cleaning that I have to do leading up to a visit...and I HATE wishing that I could get it together and actually make it last.  

So Spring is here, and I am going to work on finalizing my past and moving forward...and in my new life, I am going to be organized!!  I know, I know, you can't just SAY it you actually have to DO it; I am going to declutter and reorganize and make it last.  I am determined, and I am slowly starting to feel like I deserve it!!  Yay.....did I mention that Spring is my favorite season??  The rebirth of the flowers, trees and the earth....and more importantly, this Spring it is the rebirth of ME! 

I am a work in progress, but there is progress and that is most important!!

Slacking......just a bit!!

Okay, so it has been a while.........er, a loooooong time since I last posted anything.  I feel like I would have been posting some pretty boring stuff and maybe that is why I just didn't bother for so long, but the real reason is probably that I

A.)  Forgot my password, so I couldn't log in....yep, sure did forget it!!  and
B.)  I just have not felt like my message was going to be a positive one, which is what I want from my blog/words

I still don't have an agreement or divorce papers, which is frustrating and annoying...but I am also not fighting for it either.  I figure that it has to happen when both of us are in a place where we can meet in the middle, and I refuse to fight.  I also am still trying to find my "place", and feel a little less than cheery sometimes when I realize that I am still taking baby steps toward being who and what I want to be now.  Life is hard sometimes, and as much as I recognize the work that needs to be done, I am not always great at getting down to it and knuckling down until it is done!! 

Things are busy-ish with the kids in school, Ladybug is in Kindergarten and Pandaman is in Preschool, which is a really great thing because the schedule "works" for me...as if I had to say it aloud!!  lol  As anyone who knows me can attest, I need structure...that is probably an understatement, the lack of routine drives me batty and  I end up lazy and spending too many night hours on Facebook!!

In May it will be three years that I have been separated...THREE YEARS!!!  How did that happen??  Where did the time go??  It all seems impossible, and still no papers or finality....and me doing nothing about it is in part my way of letting go.  I am letting go and trying to just "go with it"....AHHHHHHH...yeah, it is hard.  So many things about the last 2.5 years have been hard, or uncomfortable.  So many things have been out of my control...but part of life is working WITH the things that make us crazy instead of fighting against them.  I am learning and growing and becoming the person I want to be...I want to be stronger and more confident, and I want to be "sure" of who I am; oh and I want to speak French...so that is what I am working on.  Slowly but surely I am becoming that person, you know the one I SHOULD have been all along but was too afraid to be...the one that I lost somewhere along the way.  I know she is in here, somewhere.....so until she comes out of this shell and takes a stand, I am going to continue to grow and learn and take my French classes in the hopes that one day I can actually speak French in a loud enough voice that everyone can hear without shaking or wanting to vomit....lol  Baby steps are still steps in the right direction!!

Jerri

When does it get easier??

Okay, so I have been slacking here...not that I have so many followers that it matters, but I was finding that I felt peace and calm after posting just a smidge about my life.  It seems like I am able to really pull back and look at things from a much different perspective when I can write about what is going on in my life...yet, when I need it most I sit down and feel like I just can't get the words out.

I have always heard about the calm before the storm, but honestly I have been living in a sort of limbo for so long now (over 2 years) that I don't even know if I would be able to handle a calm life.  I am constantly wondering when the shit is going to hit the fan, or when I am going to be expected to handle more than I think I can....and then things get so quiet that I become paranoid.  Is it too much to ask for life to become normal?  Do I even truly understand what normal is anymore?  I have put so much aside now that I just don't know where to begin.

I want to open a dayhome, but in order to do that I have to declutter and organize my life...and I can not find the motivation to do it.  There have been so many changes and with each one there comes a new set of stresses and emotions that I am not sure how to deal with.  I want to go back to school, but to do that I need money...thus the day home...which would also (if licensed) give me a chance at courses that I would really love to take.  I spent time this year in my daughter's preschool class, and realized that I totally missed the mark when I decided that teaching wasn't for me.....teaching high schoolers isn't for me...but the wee ones, now that I can do!!

I want to lose weight...but again, I don't even know where to begin.  This is a struggle I have had for a few years now, and although I would love to be able to point at my beautiful babies and say..."well my darlings, because I carried you for nine long months, I have this paunch...."  but the truth of the matter is that I can't blame them for my lack of motivation and self control.  I just have to own it, and work hard to overcome...I am getting there, slowly but surely...just wish the last 25 lbs would come off as easy as the first did; I suppose I am not alone in that wish!!

A few things that I can cross off my "To Do List" are, the boy is potty trained...well, at my house he is anyway!!  My sweet girl is done preschool and both littles are registered for their classes next year!!  I have learned how much Early Childhood Education is the path that I need to be on, and have decided what I need to do about it....now I just need to host a "organize my house" party and get started down that path and into the future!!

Now if I could just get divorced....I mean really, who knew it would take this long???  A word to all those out there...put everything in writing when you like each other so that when things go to pot, you have it in writing how important it is for you to be at home with your kids, or how much your gig as a SAHM is worth in dollars and cents!!  Believe me, when he says you deserve to earn half his paycheque for the work you do....that is only going to be true as long as you are together, once you are not all that you do will be worth so much less.....sad but true!!!

Movin' on....

Sometimes the most difficult things we have to do in life end up being really unimportant in the grand scheme of things....for me this is particularly hard to understand, because honestly I put so much more value into things than I need to.  For example, when my separation first happened, I was adamant about so many things and was "not going to back down"; and then came a day when I looked at my life and realized that none of that stuff really matters that much.

I have my children, their health, my health, my parents are healthy....and honestly, after seeing my Grandpa go from healthy to gone in the matter of a few months; my life and its purpose sort of shifted.  I still think that the most important things in life are my children and my family...and I believe in the importance of being the best person that I can possibly be; but I don't think that I "need" the other extraneous things or people that have cluttered my life up until now. 

I have always been social, and enjoyed the company of other people.  I am in no way a hermit, but I had stopped making myself available, and I stopped accepting invitations to go places and do things; because I felt like I needed to be home with my family.  When the end came, I was shocked at how few "friends" I had left...or at least how few of them were still interested in calling, inviting..and being turned down.  I always prided myself on being a "good friend", but I realized that I stopped putting in the effort that I always used to...yes, I had young children (still do, for those keeping track) but they don't eliminate the possibility of going anywhere...and they certainly don't make it impossible to keep up with friends.  So...what was my problem?

I don't know what kept me from going out, or what kept me from being available; but in the end, I did what I always used to think was so terrible...I dropped people, people that I really cared about...yeah, shame on me!!

On to the reason for the blog...other than to point out what a crappy friend I have been in the last few years!!  New Years Resolutions!!!  Yeah, I have had the same one for the last 5 years, to lose weight!!  I have done alright, some years better than others...but this year, my resolution is more vague and yet is also more important.  My resolution this year is actually more of a goal, and it is one that i am making for me and my children so that we can have a better life and be happier over all.  Here it is..... My resolution/goal is to be happy with who I am, to live my life the way I want it to be lived, and to sacrifice myself to no one.  I want to be healthier, and more confident; but most of all, I want to be the BEST mom I could possibly be.

Here's the difference between past resolutions and this one.........I have already started working my way towards the goal, I am not waiting for New Years... This is one goal worth working on right away!!

Merry Christmas and a very Happy New Year to you all,

Jerri

Best Christmas gift ever???

In my life I would never have thought that divorce paperwork or even a finished separation agreement would be my idea of a perfect Christmas gift; but in light of current circumstances it is exactly what I would dream of having in my hot little hands Christmas morning. 

It just seems like so much time and energy has gone into this, and I still have nothing to show for it...nothing.  I look forward to moving forward...and no, that does not in any way mean dating or anything even close to it...with my life and finding myself again.  I think that is the most important thing to me right now, learning who I am again and being able to be free. Free to live my life with my littles with no stress or looming meetings weighing me down; free to just think of myself and the kids..........

Honestly, this lack of freedom "feeling" has nothing to do with my ex, or the lawyers, or anything more than the fact that I do not have any papers saying that I am, in fact, not married anymore.  I have nothing "settled" and am living in a kind of limbo that drives a person like me crazy; I don't feel like my own person.....yet!!  And that little YET is what makes me trudge forward, even when it seems like it will never be done.  I have no big plans...it's not like I am going to throw a party (I hear it is very popular to throw divorce parties), or take a big trip, or run out and find a boyfriend; because in reality the end of my marriage is also technically the end of a family...not really something to be celebrated, but I do look forward to "the papers"...in my hands.

There are many out there who fight longer and harder than I have to, just to be able to survive day to day, and I feel for those people because even what I have gone through in the last year and a half has been almost too much for me.  I think that when people get married they should make up an agreement for "just in case" with a bunch of different scenarios in it so that if the end does come, there is an agreement in place that was done when they both loved and respected the other.......oh wait, there is something like that...a pre-nup!!  Even if you don't have millions of dollars.....make a pre-nup and in that agreement come up with something that both of you can live with so that no one is fighting for survival.  Even in the "nicest" of break-ups feelings are hurt and nasty things are said, and someone always ends up on the bottom. 

The other piece of advice that I have is, love your kids more than you hate each other, and when you are in with your lawyer think of the kids winning instead of you or your ex.  When an ex decides that they are "not going to pay" or that they are "going to milk them dry", the only people who really lose are the kids....and they lose big time.  I am no expert, but people change, and when the chips are down and money is being divided and the person you swore to love forever is no longer so lovable....you really need to realize that the kids still see mommy and daddy...not enemy and friend or winner and loser. 

Jerri

Ol'pa

So, I have come to this very page a few times to try and write this blog...I even thought about just skipping it and moving on without touching on the subject; but it just didn't seem to be the right thing to do. I don't want to reduce myself to a blubbering mess while typing this entry, but I do want to make it perfectly clear how important my grandpa was in my life and the lives of my children, so I am going to try to keep it simple but meaningful.  Here we go.....

My grandpa was a huge part of my life, for my whole life; and when he passed away at 91 last Friday I felt a sadness I have only felt once before in my life.  I didn't have a blog 7 years ago when my grandma passed away, but I felt the same thing then that I felt when the nurse phoned at 5:40 on Friday, November 18, 2011, and told me that my grandpa was gone.  I felt like someone had kicked me in the stomach and I just could neither breathe nor answer the nurse for what felt like so much longer than it likely was.  It wasn't like we weren't aware that he could die, but more that we didn't think it would happen quite the way it did; and I instantly felt the loss, not only for me but for my babies too.

In the last few months they had spent more time with Ol'pa than before because he had been in the hospital and then with moving him into his new apartment, we were there a lot...and it was really amazing to watch them with him.  I miss that...I miss him.

Telling my children was also a tough thing to do, and thinking about it brought me to tears every time.  On Friday night mom and I drove to the hospital to see him one last time, and seeing him so peaceful...like he was sleeping, and having the chance to talk to the nurses (specifically the one who had been in with him right before he passed) was very healing, in a way I had never imagined it could be.  I am not a person who  believes in "closure" or the need for that in order to get through this kind of thing, but there was definitely a healing that happened when I was in that room, and i will forever be grateful to the nurses for allowing us that time with him.

When the littles came home on Saturday morning, and I knew that I had to tell them I was really worried about how, and what word to use...but my amazing ladybug just seemed to understand.  She asked a few questions, and we have had some conversations about it; but she just accepted that he had gone home to heaven and was now with Ol'ma...as though she had faced this before.....she was just so sure that he was there.  Amazing!!