I don't know why it has to be so difficult to go from parenting children together to.....well, essentially parenting children together but from different homes. I am in the peculiar situation where my ex and I are doing what we can to be friends and continue to raise our children in a friendly manner. Do we always agree? Not on your life....but we have, as of yet, been able to handle whatever has come our way with respect and kindness.
I know that is not the norm. You hear all the time about how people and their exes just can not get along and end up fighting about every little thing. I refuse to go there....and believe me, there are times that it is very hard to be happy and friendly in the face of different parenting ideals. No two parents are alike, and while there are disagreements between parents when they are still married, those disagreements can turn into all out war once the marriage is over.
I don't think that there is any separated/divorced couple who is able to come to an agreement on every issue, but I do think that if more parents would put the childishness, anger, and emotion behind them and move forward as co-parents (rather than as ex spouses) they would see what is truly important. My children have the benefit of seeing their father and I get along and work together to make their lives better, and I believe that as the years pass it will just get easier....as the hurt fades and the expectations level out, we will both be able to deal with each other without feeling that some comments are meant to be personal attacks.
Yes, that does happen.....I mean, we are human; and even though we have known each other for 12 years, when a marriage ends the person you were married to changes into a different person altogether. There are things about each other that we would like to see change, and there are things about ourselves that we know push buttons....but over time, if we really work to make the children the number one priority, then we can win this thing.........okay, we will never be "best friends" but I do think that we can be friendly, and our children can see respect and kindness in our actions.
It is more important to show them that even when relationships fail adults can come together for the sake of their children and make life easy...or at least easier than the alternative.
Tuesday, 26 July 2011
Sunday, 17 July 2011
What??!! I'm not perfect??!!
Seriously though, I know I am not perfect...I have weight to lose, I have work to do on my confidence...and some days I could use some motivation when it comes to housework; but in the grand scheme of things, I am truly happy with the way I live my every day life.
I do NOT always make the right decisions...yeah, I know, hard to believe; but I do my best to make sure that the really important decisions that I make in my life...the ones that affect other people (particularly my littles) are made after careful consideration of all factors. I won't say that I only make the best decisions...because even after thinking on it, and sleeping on it; sometimes you just have to do what you want...even if it isn't the "best" decision to make.
I think that if we stop working on ourselves, and just accept who we are now as the "best" we will ever be (or even worse "good enough") then we will never achieve who we truly could be at our best. I know that I could have more patience, and I could work harder to be a healthier person; I could get out there and meet more people, and I could probably take a course to better myself. I am slowly working towards some of the goals that I have for myself, and right now I am taking the time to learn to truly love who I have become in the last year. I have learned a lot of lessons, and one of the most important ones is that I am a great person at the core of my being. I may not be "perfect", and I know I have work to do on myself; but I am proud of the work I have done, because for many years I just accepted where I was and didn't look at how important it was to keep striving to be better and do more on my journey to becoming the "best" me possible!
I do NOT always make the right decisions...yeah, I know, hard to believe; but I do my best to make sure that the really important decisions that I make in my life...the ones that affect other people (particularly my littles) are made after careful consideration of all factors. I won't say that I only make the best decisions...because even after thinking on it, and sleeping on it; sometimes you just have to do what you want...even if it isn't the "best" decision to make.
I think that if we stop working on ourselves, and just accept who we are now as the "best" we will ever be (or even worse "good enough") then we will never achieve who we truly could be at our best. I know that I could have more patience, and I could work harder to be a healthier person; I could get out there and meet more people, and I could probably take a course to better myself. I am slowly working towards some of the goals that I have for myself, and right now I am taking the time to learn to truly love who I have become in the last year. I have learned a lot of lessons, and one of the most important ones is that I am a great person at the core of my being. I may not be "perfect", and I know I have work to do on myself; but I am proud of the work I have done, because for many years I just accepted where I was and didn't look at how important it was to keep striving to be better and do more on my journey to becoming the "best" me possible!
Friday, 15 July 2011
New friends
With two kids who are involved in swimming and gymnastics, or dancing, etc. I find myself meeting other parents and talking to them about a variety of subjects. I enjoy meeting new people, and sort of feel like for a while it has stopped happening at the rate that it used to. I mean, let's be honest when our children are very young there are few opportunities to really meet new people in the way that you would as a single person, or as a mother of older children. I feel like you have to tread lightly when meeting other parents in this type of situation.
I have always liked people and being sociable, but that part of my life has been lacking in the past few years, and so I find myself hanging back and letting the other parents do the talking. It is hard for me to step out and stop being so shy...which believe me, anyone who has known me throughout my life would think is a funny description for me. I have become a person who is less confident than I would like to admit; yet if you asked me why, I couldn't tell you. I think for me, I isolated myself when I had kids and then with the separation I became even less secure about who I am at the very core.
Don't get me wrong, I love myself, and I know that I am a good person and a great mom; but I do question some of my past decisions (especially some that got me to this point, and in the way that I got here) and I question whether I am, in fact, the same person at the core that I have always been. I work hard to be the role model for my kids that I think they deserve, but I have been doing some soul searching, and have to wonder what things i should or could change to make my impression even better.
The people that I meet and invite into our lives have to be people who stand for the same types of things that I stand for...or that I want my kids exposed to, and therein lies the problem. You can meet all types of people through your kids and in life; but some of these people are NOT the kind that you want your children to become attached to. Once you separate from your partner/spouse, there is a distinct feeling that enters your heart; a questioning of your ability to find someone who will stand the test of time, because for all intents and purposes that "other parent" to your children was supposed to be your forever, so how do you know that the next decision is going to be a better one.
I know now what is truly important to me, and I really hope that I have learned enough about myself and what me and my kids deserve to make better choices in the future; because whether the "people" we meet are friends, new partners, or merely aquaintances it is important to make sure that they are people of quality and that they are people that we would be proud to stand beside and have our children around long term. I am no where near ready to find a "new partner", but I don't want to miss the opportunity because I am so busy trying to make it all "perfect". Having great partners/friends is not about how "perfect" they are, or how alike you are; it is more about finding those people who compliment you AND are willing to compromise and work together even when it seems like it is impossible.
I look forward to my kids being involved in sports and school as they get older, and I look forward to the "new people" that it will give me a chance to meet....and I can't wait to see if I have truly learned from my past and become the better person that I keep thinking that I am!
I have always liked people and being sociable, but that part of my life has been lacking in the past few years, and so I find myself hanging back and letting the other parents do the talking. It is hard for me to step out and stop being so shy...which believe me, anyone who has known me throughout my life would think is a funny description for me. I have become a person who is less confident than I would like to admit; yet if you asked me why, I couldn't tell you. I think for me, I isolated myself when I had kids and then with the separation I became even less secure about who I am at the very core.
Don't get me wrong, I love myself, and I know that I am a good person and a great mom; but I do question some of my past decisions (especially some that got me to this point, and in the way that I got here) and I question whether I am, in fact, the same person at the core that I have always been. I work hard to be the role model for my kids that I think they deserve, but I have been doing some soul searching, and have to wonder what things i should or could change to make my impression even better.
The people that I meet and invite into our lives have to be people who stand for the same types of things that I stand for...or that I want my kids exposed to, and therein lies the problem. You can meet all types of people through your kids and in life; but some of these people are NOT the kind that you want your children to become attached to. Once you separate from your partner/spouse, there is a distinct feeling that enters your heart; a questioning of your ability to find someone who will stand the test of time, because for all intents and purposes that "other parent" to your children was supposed to be your forever, so how do you know that the next decision is going to be a better one.
I know now what is truly important to me, and I really hope that I have learned enough about myself and what me and my kids deserve to make better choices in the future; because whether the "people" we meet are friends, new partners, or merely aquaintances it is important to make sure that they are people of quality and that they are people that we would be proud to stand beside and have our children around long term. I am no where near ready to find a "new partner", but I don't want to miss the opportunity because I am so busy trying to make it all "perfect". Having great partners/friends is not about how "perfect" they are, or how alike you are; it is more about finding those people who compliment you AND are willing to compromise and work together even when it seems like it is impossible.
I look forward to my kids being involved in sports and school as they get older, and I look forward to the "new people" that it will give me a chance to meet....and I can't wait to see if I have truly learned from my past and become the better person that I keep thinking that I am!
Thursday, 7 July 2011
Is there not an easier way?
As I journey through becoming a single mom, I realize why so many people seem to rebound into relationships very quickly after the end of their marriage/partnership. I know it sounds like something that should be easy to understand, but in reality when you are in the beginning stages of separation it seems impossible (for some, like myself) to even imagine starting the whole process of dating......and then you put the kids to bed, and the loneliness consumes you.
Now don't get me wrong, when I was married my ex worked out of town most of the time, so I am used to being a "single parent" but there is a very distinct difference between being the sole parent in the home...and being the sole parent.
The loss of "your person" (to quote Grey's Anatomy) is one of the hardest things to truly comprehend and deal with. Even when things aren't "perfect" (or even good) with the other parent, there is someone to lean on or commiserate with; but when you split up that is gone and you are truly on your own. You can have a million friends, and wonderful family..but what it all comes down to, is that everyone needs to have "their person". That person who is behind you even when your rant is stupid, that person who will tell you how beautiful/handsome you are when you most need it...and yes that one person who can stand up to your worst moods to tell you that you are being crazy and need to take a breather. We all need that, and when you have had it for many years, and find yourself without it can be very daunting and down right scary.
Now, how do you FIND that person? Well, some use online dating or speed dating, or even mail-order brides (okay the last one might be a tad far-fetched...maybe) but I have to think that there is a better way...an easier way...a more dignified way. Why can't we all wear a badge that says "married", "single", "divorced" etc. I know, I know...the ring, it doesn't always make it any easier to figure out who is and who isn't. We all know married people who do not wear the ring, for work or pleasure..or whatever the reason. Again, I ask...how do you find someone? I honestly don't remember how I found people when I was dating last...I do know that my ex and I met through a mutual friend; the problem is that most people in my age group are paired off, either with a wife or new girlfriend/boyfriend.
Not that I am anywhere close to worrying about finding anyone...the prospects for "how" to go about it are enough to make me vow to be single forever!
Ok, maybe not forever, but a very long time......
Now don't get me wrong, when I was married my ex worked out of town most of the time, so I am used to being a "single parent" but there is a very distinct difference between being the sole parent in the home...and being the sole parent.
The loss of "your person" (to quote Grey's Anatomy) is one of the hardest things to truly comprehend and deal with. Even when things aren't "perfect" (or even good) with the other parent, there is someone to lean on or commiserate with; but when you split up that is gone and you are truly on your own. You can have a million friends, and wonderful family..but what it all comes down to, is that everyone needs to have "their person". That person who is behind you even when your rant is stupid, that person who will tell you how beautiful/handsome you are when you most need it...and yes that one person who can stand up to your worst moods to tell you that you are being crazy and need to take a breather. We all need that, and when you have had it for many years, and find yourself without it can be very daunting and down right scary.
Now, how do you FIND that person? Well, some use online dating or speed dating, or even mail-order brides (okay the last one might be a tad far-fetched...maybe) but I have to think that there is a better way...an easier way...a more dignified way. Why can't we all wear a badge that says "married", "single", "divorced" etc. I know, I know...the ring, it doesn't always make it any easier to figure out who is and who isn't. We all know married people who do not wear the ring, for work or pleasure..or whatever the reason. Again, I ask...how do you find someone? I honestly don't remember how I found people when I was dating last...I do know that my ex and I met through a mutual friend; the problem is that most people in my age group are paired off, either with a wife or new girlfriend/boyfriend.
Not that I am anywhere close to worrying about finding anyone...the prospects for "how" to go about it are enough to make me vow to be single forever!
Ok, maybe not forever, but a very long time......
Just a little judgment…
So I was posting a comment on a forum recently and realized that often there are misunderstandings on those forums and because of what must be a character flaw of mine, I tend to take the responses to heart when they are negative. I know that my opinion is not going to be the same as everyone elses, and how boring it would be if it were, but I don’t think that there needs to be such a drastic and angry response when someone voices an opinion that isn’t like your own.
I am generally able to turn the other cheek and realize that whoever is angry with my post (which is usually exactly my opinion and is very rarely emotionally charged) just doesn’t get that some of us are not going to say what is expected and doesn’t get that a public forum is made up of many different people with different life experiences and different opinions……that is both the beauty and the horror of posting to a public medium.
Now my situation is different than many in my shoes, and because of this I tend to think that those who expect to separate from their partner and have everything run smoothly is in for a shocker….it just rarely happens. My ex and I are able to look past the minor details and work through things, most of the time…and on the times when it doesn’t happen that way, we each walk away and dust ourselves off and come at it with a new approach the next time. Not everyone is the same…which is okay, but if you are going to take everyone’s opinions and ideas personally when they don’t validate your own, you will be hurt every time.
Judgment comes in many forms, from in your face to someone making remarks about you that they can’t possibly know to be true…because they only know you as a screen name on a site that they visit. One of the easiest ways to come face to face with judgment is to become a parent…you see, everyone who has ever had a child in their life (their own or just one they saw briefly at a store) is an expert and knows exactly how you should be raising yours. I have had complete strangers approach me and offer “sage advice” about what I should/could be doing differently to make my children and their lives better. The funniest thing about that, is that my kids are amazing, well behaved, and kind…not sure they need to be “better”.
It starts even before the child is born, I mean if you use meds during labour you will hear form many that we are “lucky” to be having babies now because that wasn’t available “back when I had babies”…and really, even if it was available, they wouldn’t have used it because it is soooo bad for the baby. If you don’t used meds you are asked if you are crazy?? Why in the heck would anyone do THAT without medication? If you breastfeed you are indecent and will push others to do the same; and if you feed formula you are poisoning your child. If you circumcise your son you are cruel and ignorant, and if you don’t you haven’t listened to years worth of medical information….REALLY??
It is impossible to make everyone happy, but why is it okay? Why do we not tell people to keep their judgment to themselves, or better yet…walk away? I have started to cut people off when they say something that doesn’t help me in any way. I don’t want to hear someone elses opinion of why I should do things differently, or why my way isn’t the best way. I take pride in the way I have raised my kids, and I don’t feel like I need to explain myself to anyone…especially if I didn’t ask.
Which brings me to my point (I know it took a while to get here) if you don’t want judgment, don’t bring it upon yourself; or at the very least, read your post from every angle before posting it so that it only invites the comments you want to hear. Often it is the comments from people who read into your post in a different way than you ever would have, that actually help the most….but then you actually have to be open to a different opinion to get that. Hmmmm….just my opinion though.
I am generally able to turn the other cheek and realize that whoever is angry with my post (which is usually exactly my opinion and is very rarely emotionally charged) just doesn’t get that some of us are not going to say what is expected and doesn’t get that a public forum is made up of many different people with different life experiences and different opinions……that is both the beauty and the horror of posting to a public medium.
Now my situation is different than many in my shoes, and because of this I tend to think that those who expect to separate from their partner and have everything run smoothly is in for a shocker….it just rarely happens. My ex and I are able to look past the minor details and work through things, most of the time…and on the times when it doesn’t happen that way, we each walk away and dust ourselves off and come at it with a new approach the next time. Not everyone is the same…which is okay, but if you are going to take everyone’s opinions and ideas personally when they don’t validate your own, you will be hurt every time.
Judgment comes in many forms, from in your face to someone making remarks about you that they can’t possibly know to be true…because they only know you as a screen name on a site that they visit. One of the easiest ways to come face to face with judgment is to become a parent…you see, everyone who has ever had a child in their life (their own or just one they saw briefly at a store) is an expert and knows exactly how you should be raising yours. I have had complete strangers approach me and offer “sage advice” about what I should/could be doing differently to make my children and their lives better. The funniest thing about that, is that my kids are amazing, well behaved, and kind…not sure they need to be “better”.
It starts even before the child is born, I mean if you use meds during labour you will hear form many that we are “lucky” to be having babies now because that wasn’t available “back when I had babies”…and really, even if it was available, they wouldn’t have used it because it is soooo bad for the baby. If you don’t used meds you are asked if you are crazy?? Why in the heck would anyone do THAT without medication? If you breastfeed you are indecent and will push others to do the same; and if you feed formula you are poisoning your child. If you circumcise your son you are cruel and ignorant, and if you don’t you haven’t listened to years worth of medical information….REALLY??
It is impossible to make everyone happy, but why is it okay? Why do we not tell people to keep their judgment to themselves, or better yet…walk away? I have started to cut people off when they say something that doesn’t help me in any way. I don’t want to hear someone elses opinion of why I should do things differently, or why my way isn’t the best way. I take pride in the way I have raised my kids, and I don’t feel like I need to explain myself to anyone…especially if I didn’t ask.
Which brings me to my point (I know it took a while to get here) if you don’t want judgment, don’t bring it upon yourself; or at the very least, read your post from every angle before posting it so that it only invites the comments you want to hear. Often it is the comments from people who read into your post in a different way than you ever would have, that actually help the most….but then you actually have to be open to a different opinion to get that. Hmmmm….just my opinion though.
Strength
In the last year I have learned a lot about true strength, and not for the reasons that many would think; it isn’t because I am now an overworked single mom…I mean really is a single mom any more overworked than any other parent out there? No, I have learned about strength by watching my children at 2 and 4 accept changes to their life that made me worry and cry and kept me awake many nights after the decision to separate.
I didn’t cry because of the loss of my husband (not through death, but through mistakes that should never have been made) but because of the failure of my marriage…the tearing apart of a family, and what I was sure would be the ruin of my perfect, beautiful, loving children. I just knew that the breakdown of this family would be the end of them…and I was so worried about how to tell them, and how they would take it. I had visions of rebellious teens and psychiatrist bills that I would never be able to afford….I didn’t know what I would tell them, or how they would accept it…or IF they would accept it.
I have learned from my babies, that a “new normal” doesn’t mean scary, or wrong, it simply means different and that is okay. I have learned that children can accept change and can thrive even when circumstances are grim…and to me, divorce is a grim future for a child. I have learned from my children, that love for them is all I need to make a successful, happy life, and that even when things aren’t perfect they are happy just to be with me; and i am happy just to be with them.
I know I am strong, but my children are so much stronger than I will ever be….and they don’t even realize it!!
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