Sometimes the most difficult things we have to do in life end up being really unimportant in the grand scheme of things....for me this is particularly hard to understand, because honestly I put so much more value into things than I need to. For example, when my separation first happened, I was adamant about so many things and was "not going to back down"; and then came a day when I looked at my life and realized that none of that stuff really matters that much.
I have my children, their health, my health, my parents are healthy....and honestly, after seeing my Grandpa go from healthy to gone in the matter of a few months; my life and its purpose sort of shifted. I still think that the most important things in life are my children and my family...and I believe in the importance of being the best person that I can possibly be; but I don't think that I "need" the other extraneous things or people that have cluttered my life up until now.
I have always been social, and enjoyed the company of other people. I am in no way a hermit, but I had stopped making myself available, and I stopped accepting invitations to go places and do things; because I felt like I needed to be home with my family. When the end came, I was shocked at how few "friends" I had left...or at least how few of them were still interested in calling, inviting..and being turned down. I always prided myself on being a "good friend", but I realized that I stopped putting in the effort that I always used to...yes, I had young children (still do, for those keeping track) but they don't eliminate the possibility of going anywhere...and they certainly don't make it impossible to keep up with friends. So...what was my problem?
I don't know what kept me from going out, or what kept me from being available; but in the end, I did what I always used to think was so terrible...I dropped people, people that I really cared about...yeah, shame on me!!
On to the reason for the blog...other than to point out what a crappy friend I have been in the last few years!! New Years Resolutions!!! Yeah, I have had the same one for the last 5 years, to lose weight!! I have done alright, some years better than others...but this year, my resolution is more vague and yet is also more important. My resolution this year is actually more of a goal, and it is one that i am making for me and my children so that we can have a better life and be happier over all. Here it is..... My resolution/goal is to be happy with who I am, to live my life the way I want it to be lived, and to sacrifice myself to no one. I want to be healthier, and more confident; but most of all, I want to be the BEST mom I could possibly be.
Here's the difference between past resolutions and this one.........I have already started working my way towards the goal, I am not waiting for New Years... This is one goal worth working on right away!!
Merry Christmas and a very Happy New Year to you all,
Jerri
Thursday, 22 December 2011
Saturday, 3 December 2011
Best Christmas gift ever???
In my life I would never have thought that divorce paperwork or even a finished separation agreement would be my idea of a perfect Christmas gift; but in light of current circumstances it is exactly what I would dream of having in my hot little hands Christmas morning.
It just seems like so much time and energy has gone into this, and I still have nothing to show for it...nothing. I look forward to moving forward...and no, that does not in any way mean dating or anything even close to it...with my life and finding myself again. I think that is the most important thing to me right now, learning who I am again and being able to be free. Free to live my life with my littles with no stress or looming meetings weighing me down; free to just think of myself and the kids..........
Honestly, this lack of freedom "feeling" has nothing to do with my ex, or the lawyers, or anything more than the fact that I do not have any papers saying that I am, in fact, not married anymore. I have nothing "settled" and am living in a kind of limbo that drives a person like me crazy; I don't feel like my own person.....yet!! And that little YET is what makes me trudge forward, even when it seems like it will never be done. I have no big plans...it's not like I am going to throw a party (I hear it is very popular to throw divorce parties), or take a big trip, or run out and find a boyfriend; because in reality the end of my marriage is also technically the end of a family...not really something to be celebrated, but I do look forward to "the papers"...in my hands.
There are many out there who fight longer and harder than I have to, just to be able to survive day to day, and I feel for those people because even what I have gone through in the last year and a half has been almost too much for me. I think that when people get married they should make up an agreement for "just in case" with a bunch of different scenarios in it so that if the end does come, there is an agreement in place that was done when they both loved and respected the other.......oh wait, there is something like that...a pre-nup!! Even if you don't have millions of dollars.....make a pre-nup and in that agreement come up with something that both of you can live with so that no one is fighting for survival. Even in the "nicest" of break-ups feelings are hurt and nasty things are said, and someone always ends up on the bottom.
The other piece of advice that I have is, love your kids more than you hate each other, and when you are in with your lawyer think of the kids winning instead of you or your ex. When an ex decides that they are "not going to pay" or that they are "going to milk them dry", the only people who really lose are the kids....and they lose big time. I am no expert, but people change, and when the chips are down and money is being divided and the person you swore to love forever is no longer so lovable....you really need to realize that the kids still see mommy and daddy...not enemy and friend or winner and loser.
Jerri
It just seems like so much time and energy has gone into this, and I still have nothing to show for it...nothing. I look forward to moving forward...and no, that does not in any way mean dating or anything even close to it...with my life and finding myself again. I think that is the most important thing to me right now, learning who I am again and being able to be free. Free to live my life with my littles with no stress or looming meetings weighing me down; free to just think of myself and the kids..........
Honestly, this lack of freedom "feeling" has nothing to do with my ex, or the lawyers, or anything more than the fact that I do not have any papers saying that I am, in fact, not married anymore. I have nothing "settled" and am living in a kind of limbo that drives a person like me crazy; I don't feel like my own person.....yet!! And that little YET is what makes me trudge forward, even when it seems like it will never be done. I have no big plans...it's not like I am going to throw a party (I hear it is very popular to throw divorce parties), or take a big trip, or run out and find a boyfriend; because in reality the end of my marriage is also technically the end of a family...not really something to be celebrated, but I do look forward to "the papers"...in my hands.
There are many out there who fight longer and harder than I have to, just to be able to survive day to day, and I feel for those people because even what I have gone through in the last year and a half has been almost too much for me. I think that when people get married they should make up an agreement for "just in case" with a bunch of different scenarios in it so that if the end does come, there is an agreement in place that was done when they both loved and respected the other.......oh wait, there is something like that...a pre-nup!! Even if you don't have millions of dollars.....make a pre-nup and in that agreement come up with something that both of you can live with so that no one is fighting for survival. Even in the "nicest" of break-ups feelings are hurt and nasty things are said, and someone always ends up on the bottom.
The other piece of advice that I have is, love your kids more than you hate each other, and when you are in with your lawyer think of the kids winning instead of you or your ex. When an ex decides that they are "not going to pay" or that they are "going to milk them dry", the only people who really lose are the kids....and they lose big time. I am no expert, but people change, and when the chips are down and money is being divided and the person you swore to love forever is no longer so lovable....you really need to realize that the kids still see mommy and daddy...not enemy and friend or winner and loser.
Jerri
Thursday, 24 November 2011
Ol'pa
So, I have come to this very page a few times to try and write this blog...I even thought about just skipping it and moving on without touching on the subject; but it just didn't seem to be the right thing to do. I don't want to reduce myself to a blubbering mess while typing this entry, but I do want to make it perfectly clear how important my grandpa was in my life and the lives of my children, so I am going to try to keep it simple but meaningful. Here we go.....
My grandpa was a huge part of my life, for my whole life; and when he passed away at 91 last Friday I felt a sadness I have only felt once before in my life. I didn't have a blog 7 years ago when my grandma passed away, but I felt the same thing then that I felt when the nurse phoned at 5:40 on Friday, November 18, 2011, and told me that my grandpa was gone. I felt like someone had kicked me in the stomach and I just could neither breathe nor answer the nurse for what felt like so much longer than it likely was. It wasn't like we weren't aware that he could die, but more that we didn't think it would happen quite the way it did; and I instantly felt the loss, not only for me but for my babies too.
In the last few months they had spent more time with Ol'pa than before because he had been in the hospital and then with moving him into his new apartment, we were there a lot...and it was really amazing to watch them with him. I miss that...I miss him.
Telling my children was also a tough thing to do, and thinking about it brought me to tears every time. On Friday night mom and I drove to the hospital to see him one last time, and seeing him so peaceful...like he was sleeping, and having the chance to talk to the nurses (specifically the one who had been in with him right before he passed) was very healing, in a way I had never imagined it could be. I am not a person who believes in "closure" or the need for that in order to get through this kind of thing, but there was definitely a healing that happened when I was in that room, and i will forever be grateful to the nurses for allowing us that time with him.
When the littles came home on Saturday morning, and I knew that I had to tell them I was really worried about how, and what word to use...but my amazing ladybug just seemed to understand. She asked a few questions, and we have had some conversations about it; but she just accepted that he had gone home to heaven and was now with Ol'ma...as though she had faced this before.....she was just so sure that he was there. Amazing!!
My grandpa was a huge part of my life, for my whole life; and when he passed away at 91 last Friday I felt a sadness I have only felt once before in my life. I didn't have a blog 7 years ago when my grandma passed away, but I felt the same thing then that I felt when the nurse phoned at 5:40 on Friday, November 18, 2011, and told me that my grandpa was gone. I felt like someone had kicked me in the stomach and I just could neither breathe nor answer the nurse for what felt like so much longer than it likely was. It wasn't like we weren't aware that he could die, but more that we didn't think it would happen quite the way it did; and I instantly felt the loss, not only for me but for my babies too.
In the last few months they had spent more time with Ol'pa than before because he had been in the hospital and then with moving him into his new apartment, we were there a lot...and it was really amazing to watch them with him. I miss that...I miss him.
Telling my children was also a tough thing to do, and thinking about it brought me to tears every time. On Friday night mom and I drove to the hospital to see him one last time, and seeing him so peaceful...like he was sleeping, and having the chance to talk to the nurses (specifically the one who had been in with him right before he passed) was very healing, in a way I had never imagined it could be. I am not a person who believes in "closure" or the need for that in order to get through this kind of thing, but there was definitely a healing that happened when I was in that room, and i will forever be grateful to the nurses for allowing us that time with him.
When the littles came home on Saturday morning, and I knew that I had to tell them I was really worried about how, and what word to use...but my amazing ladybug just seemed to understand. She asked a few questions, and we have had some conversations about it; but she just accepted that he had gone home to heaven and was now with Ol'ma...as though she had faced this before.....she was just so sure that he was there. Amazing!!
Tuesday, 1 November 2011
Halloween
To those of you who really know me, this will not come as much of a surprise....I do NOT like Halloween. I can't put my finger on exactly when it stopped being something that I enjoyed and became something that I dread....but it was definitely before I had my own children. I think that the whole experience has gone from casual community fun, to a real pain in the...well, you catch my drift!!
I remember a few Halloweens with my niece and nephew, and a couple with my step-daughter that were actually quite a bit of fun....but at some point in there, it all just became so unnecessary in my opinion. I was actually quite surprised at how relieved I was when I didn't see HALLOWEEN PARTY on Ladybug's preschool calendar; of course it was an oversight, and there was a party, but it was not as bad as I had anticipated. I enjoyed the costumes, and I had fun with my girly (dressed as a witch) and her friends....but it was not something that I was looking forward to at all!!
I don't take the kids out trick or treating in our neighborhood, instead I take them to the mall...and enjoy that far more than I would going door to door because I am constantly reminded of how rude the kids are who are out getting candy these past few years. They are either way too old, or are so worried they won't get any candy that they are practically pushing the other kids off the step. If I have to look up to see your face (and I realize when I say this, that I am short...but the point still stands) you are too old to be going door to door. This year, I noticed that there were adults getting candy at the mall....and a few times Pandaman was pushed to the side by a much older (borderline too old) kid in order to get to the candy first. My biggest problem, was that the same two kids kept pushing ahead of much smaller kids in an effort to get the candy first; and I was thankful when finally a dad stepped in and told them to settle down.
I was thrilled with my babies though, as they both waited their turn, and Ladybug thanked every single person who handed her a candy or sticker.....and even when she got her flu shot (yes, we all got flu shots on Halloween) she thanked the nurse, talk about good manners!! I had to put aside my dislike for this "holiday", that in my opinion should be scaled way back, and realize that as long as the kids have some fun we all win a little. I do look forward to the day when I can put on a party instead of having to deal with crowded malls or hitting the streets to gather candy; of course, I can always dream that by the time that happens Halloween will be a thing of the past.......yeah, I know, not likely!!
Please don't get me wrong, I know that there are many kids out there who are polite, and kind and who enjoy Halloween because of more than just the free candy....but I guess that I have seen too many cases of it being a free for all filled with rudeness; or maybe it is just that I don't truly understand how anyone can love Halloween THAT much. It has never been my favorite "holiday", even as a kid I didn't really enjoy it the way other people did....but now as a parent, I just don't see much value in the whole event. It takes yet another day away from classes, it costs way too much money, and it promotes taking candy from strangers.....I just truly don't get it at all; but as with so many other things that we do as parents, I will smile and laugh and dress the kids up because they do enjoy it. I can see value in their enjoyment, and I can gain a little appreciation for the experiences that they have....the costumes and the excitement of a "late night".
It will never be a day that I love...but my kids don't need to have the fun taken away just because I don't "get it"......any one that wants to explain it to me, can give it a go; but I will warn you that I am not likely to be persuaded!! Anyway, glad it is over for another year.....now on to Christmas!!!
I remember a few Halloweens with my niece and nephew, and a couple with my step-daughter that were actually quite a bit of fun....but at some point in there, it all just became so unnecessary in my opinion. I was actually quite surprised at how relieved I was when I didn't see HALLOWEEN PARTY on Ladybug's preschool calendar; of course it was an oversight, and there was a party, but it was not as bad as I had anticipated. I enjoyed the costumes, and I had fun with my girly (dressed as a witch) and her friends....but it was not something that I was looking forward to at all!!
I don't take the kids out trick or treating in our neighborhood, instead I take them to the mall...and enjoy that far more than I would going door to door because I am constantly reminded of how rude the kids are who are out getting candy these past few years. They are either way too old, or are so worried they won't get any candy that they are practically pushing the other kids off the step. If I have to look up to see your face (and I realize when I say this, that I am short...but the point still stands) you are too old to be going door to door. This year, I noticed that there were adults getting candy at the mall....and a few times Pandaman was pushed to the side by a much older (borderline too old) kid in order to get to the candy first. My biggest problem, was that the same two kids kept pushing ahead of much smaller kids in an effort to get the candy first; and I was thankful when finally a dad stepped in and told them to settle down.
I was thrilled with my babies though, as they both waited their turn, and Ladybug thanked every single person who handed her a candy or sticker.....and even when she got her flu shot (yes, we all got flu shots on Halloween) she thanked the nurse, talk about good manners!! I had to put aside my dislike for this "holiday", that in my opinion should be scaled way back, and realize that as long as the kids have some fun we all win a little. I do look forward to the day when I can put on a party instead of having to deal with crowded malls or hitting the streets to gather candy; of course, I can always dream that by the time that happens Halloween will be a thing of the past.......yeah, I know, not likely!!
Please don't get me wrong, I know that there are many kids out there who are polite, and kind and who enjoy Halloween because of more than just the free candy....but I guess that I have seen too many cases of it being a free for all filled with rudeness; or maybe it is just that I don't truly understand how anyone can love Halloween THAT much. It has never been my favorite "holiday", even as a kid I didn't really enjoy it the way other people did....but now as a parent, I just don't see much value in the whole event. It takes yet another day away from classes, it costs way too much money, and it promotes taking candy from strangers.....I just truly don't get it at all; but as with so many other things that we do as parents, I will smile and laugh and dress the kids up because they do enjoy it. I can see value in their enjoyment, and I can gain a little appreciation for the experiences that they have....the costumes and the excitement of a "late night".
It will never be a day that I love...but my kids don't need to have the fun taken away just because I don't "get it"......any one that wants to explain it to me, can give it a go; but I will warn you that I am not likely to be persuaded!! Anyway, glad it is over for another year.....now on to Christmas!!!
Thursday, 27 October 2011
Who's afraid of a little change??
For those of you who know me best, it will come as no surprise that I am not good with change. In fact, I am terrible with change, and always have been; even the simple changes like Daylight Savings Time, threw me for a loop. Then I had kids and a realization hit me, if I can't handle this how the heck are the kids going to??
I am infinitely better with change now (and a lot of it has happened rather quickly, like in the last year and a half as the need arose) but I still prefer to know what is going to happen before it happens, than to be surprised with any kind of change that may come about.....
Now for the reason for this post...my grandpa, or as my kids call him "Ol'Pa". He has faced so many changes in the last few months and taken them all in stride. He is 91, and after spending 2 months in hospital had to make the decision to move into a seniors apartment and learn to depend on others to help him in ways he would have never even dreamed of before. He has handled it with such acceptance and is loving his new home and has made such leaps and bounds on his way to independence. It is almost impossible to believe that he is the same man that we were visiting in the hospital only a few weeks ago.
Both his acceptance to major changes, and watching my children adapt to their "new normal" without much of a hitch, have made me really think about why I am so resistent to change...and I think I have an answer!! I lived a pretty idyllic life, my parents are still together. My mom was a stay-at-home mom until I was 9 and my brother was 12....and even then, my mom worked evenings and nights so that there was always a parent at home with us. My mom was always there for us if we needed to talk...and we could talk to her about anything, still can.
I didn't have a whole lot of adapting to do when I was growing up, and when I did face changes my parents were always there to back me up or talk it out. I feel very lucky to have had the childhood that I had, and wish I could have given my chidlren the same....and in some ways I can.
Sure, I can't change the fact that they are growing up with parents who are no longer together; but i can make sure that I am always here for them, and do whatever I can to make their lives as idyllic as I can...even if there are some obstacles to overcome. Coming from a "broken home" doesn't mean that their lives will be worse, or less happy than their friends/classmates/teammates whose parents are together; it just means that I need to work harder to make sure that they feel as fulfilled as those other kids....and that is something that I can definitely do!
As for change...I still don't like it, but if Ol'pa can handle it, and my babies can handle it....well, I guess I need to "mom up" and learn to deal with change in whatever way I can. My kids deserve it, and I deserve it......
I am infinitely better with change now (and a lot of it has happened rather quickly, like in the last year and a half as the need arose) but I still prefer to know what is going to happen before it happens, than to be surprised with any kind of change that may come about.....
Now for the reason for this post...my grandpa, or as my kids call him "Ol'Pa". He has faced so many changes in the last few months and taken them all in stride. He is 91, and after spending 2 months in hospital had to make the decision to move into a seniors apartment and learn to depend on others to help him in ways he would have never even dreamed of before. He has handled it with such acceptance and is loving his new home and has made such leaps and bounds on his way to independence. It is almost impossible to believe that he is the same man that we were visiting in the hospital only a few weeks ago.
Both his acceptance to major changes, and watching my children adapt to their "new normal" without much of a hitch, have made me really think about why I am so resistent to change...and I think I have an answer!! I lived a pretty idyllic life, my parents are still together. My mom was a stay-at-home mom until I was 9 and my brother was 12....and even then, my mom worked evenings and nights so that there was always a parent at home with us. My mom was always there for us if we needed to talk...and we could talk to her about anything, still can.
I didn't have a whole lot of adapting to do when I was growing up, and when I did face changes my parents were always there to back me up or talk it out. I feel very lucky to have had the childhood that I had, and wish I could have given my chidlren the same....and in some ways I can.
Sure, I can't change the fact that they are growing up with parents who are no longer together; but i can make sure that I am always here for them, and do whatever I can to make their lives as idyllic as I can...even if there are some obstacles to overcome. Coming from a "broken home" doesn't mean that their lives will be worse, or less happy than their friends/classmates/teammates whose parents are together; it just means that I need to work harder to make sure that they feel as fulfilled as those other kids....and that is something that I can definitely do!
As for change...I still don't like it, but if Ol'pa can handle it, and my babies can handle it....well, I guess I need to "mom up" and learn to deal with change in whatever way I can. My kids deserve it, and I deserve it......
Thursday, 20 October 2011
Time to Potty.....I hope!!
Okay, so I have been slacking...big time, when it comes to this blog; but honestly with so much going on I am not sure when I would have done it!! My grandpa is in his new apartment, and so I will have a bit more time for typing and will spend a bit less time driving, and I am looking forward to that. I look forward to seeing his progress as he finds his groove in his new home, and I look forward to the visits that we will have with him now that he is not in a hospital. We are all much happier, and I hope that he gets back some independence along the way!
On to the news of the day......drum roll please.....I have decided that it is time for POTTY TRAINING!!!! The reason this is such a big deal, is that Pandaman has zero desire to potty train......AT ALL!!
My Ladybug was already potty trained by the time she was his age, and it was accomplished in about 5 days...start to finish. I have no such dreams that this will happen this time around. I have read and re-read the "No Cry Potty Training Solution", and many other books; visited forums for advice, and still feel that I am totally unprepared for this step. On the other hand, I HATE pullups and diapers, and I am really done......so here we go!!!
I started out this morning by letting him pick his underwear (Lighting McQueen, of course) and talking to him about how he will pee in the potty and NOT in his pants. I then walked him to the potty and sat him down......nothing; so I set the timer for 30 mins........at 8 mins left, he peed on the floor!! hahahahaha
Okay, I expected all that, and I really have no problem with it......especially since he said "Mommy, potty time" right before he peed on the floor!! To me that is success, a small one but a success none the less!! I know he can do this....it is just a matter of figuring out if I can!!
Alright, everyone (or anyone who is reading) wish us luck....I can't wait to be able to stop buying pullups and diapers!! That will be a glorious day!
On to the news of the day......drum roll please.....I have decided that it is time for POTTY TRAINING!!!! The reason this is such a big deal, is that Pandaman has zero desire to potty train......AT ALL!!
My Ladybug was already potty trained by the time she was his age, and it was accomplished in about 5 days...start to finish. I have no such dreams that this will happen this time around. I have read and re-read the "No Cry Potty Training Solution", and many other books; visited forums for advice, and still feel that I am totally unprepared for this step. On the other hand, I HATE pullups and diapers, and I am really done......so here we go!!!
I started out this morning by letting him pick his underwear (Lighting McQueen, of course) and talking to him about how he will pee in the potty and NOT in his pants. I then walked him to the potty and sat him down......nothing; so I set the timer for 30 mins........at 8 mins left, he peed on the floor!! hahahahaha
Okay, I expected all that, and I really have no problem with it......especially since he said "Mommy, potty time" right before he peed on the floor!! To me that is success, a small one but a success none the less!! I know he can do this....it is just a matter of figuring out if I can!!
Alright, everyone (or anyone who is reading) wish us luck....I can't wait to be able to stop buying pullups and diapers!! That will be a glorious day!
Saturday, 10 September 2011
Why so structured?
So I find myself questioning why I have made my life so structured in the last 5 years; and although I truly do understand the benefit of routines in childrens' lives, I am also faced now with two children who do not adapt as well to change as many of their counterparts. Now, if I am completely honest I will tell you that I myself am not "good with change", and have been that way since I can remember; but I wonder if I have created a monster here?!
With preschool starting Monday (holy cow, where did the time go), and the visits to the hospital to be with Ol'pa; the kids have not been on their regular routine and will never be back to the stringent one that I once had in place, but I do still find myself watching the clock and counting hours.
It all started with timing feeds when I brought my first precious bundle home; I was so sure that if Ladybug went past 2 hours without a feed she would crumble and die that the poor child was fed by the clock for the first few months of life....and then I read some books and realized that she would let me know when she needed to eat...and I followed her cues to a much happier and more relaxed way of life. Except that naps were strictly followed and were at the exact same time every day. Then, just as I was starting to loosen my grip on the clock and the necessity for every day to be just like the last.....
My second bundle of love arrived, and I was once again gripped by the need to follow the clock and see to it that my babies were kept on routine. I was not as determined to let the clock dictate feeds (I had learned my lesson with Ladybug), but Pandaman was indeed on a schedule.....of course my second child was not to be scheduled, he was determined to schedule himself!!
I am now faced with a 4 year old and a 2.5 year old who are very used to a structured life, and who thrive because of that structure....but in the end, it isn't always the best when things happen that are out of the ordinary.....and in the last year and a half, that is just what has been happening.
I am able to keep life here at home "the same", but I can not control everything that happens in their lives; and so, I am learning to let go of that and accept that if they are faced with too much, I will know and help them. It is hard to believe that two small children can be so adaptable after so much structure; but I am proud of all of us for embracing the changes and new experiences and being happy to live a "different" life.
As for me, I am learning to accept the "new normal", and am really excited about the future; even though it is vastly different than the future I thought I would have. I didn't ever expect to be a single mom, and certainly not when my children were still so young; but I am determined to be the best mom (single or not) that ever there was....and part of being the best mom is making sure that you make the right decisions and acknowledge when you don't so you can change what needs to be changed.
So back to the question....why so structured? That's simple....my kids have thrived on structure, routine and being scheduled. As they get older I can relax a bit and let them lead; but I wouldn't change my parenting for anything, because following the clock, and following their cues led me to the schedule that they followed and also helped them to know what to expect...every day. There are things in my life that I would change, but the schedule (as strict as it was early on) isn't one of the things I would change.
With preschool starting Monday (holy cow, where did the time go), and the visits to the hospital to be with Ol'pa; the kids have not been on their regular routine and will never be back to the stringent one that I once had in place, but I do still find myself watching the clock and counting hours.
It all started with timing feeds when I brought my first precious bundle home; I was so sure that if Ladybug went past 2 hours without a feed she would crumble and die that the poor child was fed by the clock for the first few months of life....and then I read some books and realized that she would let me know when she needed to eat...and I followed her cues to a much happier and more relaxed way of life. Except that naps were strictly followed and were at the exact same time every day. Then, just as I was starting to loosen my grip on the clock and the necessity for every day to be just like the last.....
My second bundle of love arrived, and I was once again gripped by the need to follow the clock and see to it that my babies were kept on routine. I was not as determined to let the clock dictate feeds (I had learned my lesson with Ladybug), but Pandaman was indeed on a schedule.....of course my second child was not to be scheduled, he was determined to schedule himself!!
I am now faced with a 4 year old and a 2.5 year old who are very used to a structured life, and who thrive because of that structure....but in the end, it isn't always the best when things happen that are out of the ordinary.....and in the last year and a half, that is just what has been happening.
I am able to keep life here at home "the same", but I can not control everything that happens in their lives; and so, I am learning to let go of that and accept that if they are faced with too much, I will know and help them. It is hard to believe that two small children can be so adaptable after so much structure; but I am proud of all of us for embracing the changes and new experiences and being happy to live a "different" life.
As for me, I am learning to accept the "new normal", and am really excited about the future; even though it is vastly different than the future I thought I would have. I didn't ever expect to be a single mom, and certainly not when my children were still so young; but I am determined to be the best mom (single or not) that ever there was....and part of being the best mom is making sure that you make the right decisions and acknowledge when you don't so you can change what needs to be changed.
So back to the question....why so structured? That's simple....my kids have thrived on structure, routine and being scheduled. As they get older I can relax a bit and let them lead; but I wouldn't change my parenting for anything, because following the clock, and following their cues led me to the schedule that they followed and also helped them to know what to expect...every day. There are things in my life that I would change, but the schedule (as strict as it was early on) isn't one of the things I would change.
Thursday, 8 September 2011
Ugh August.....
Not that there are any followers out there to notice when I don't post, but August has been a monster of a month and there were zero chances to actually sit down and post. I am not usually one to make up excuses, but in this case it is the absolute truth!! In the last half of July and into the early part of August I was trying to switch cable companies....and that brings us to the middle of the month with internet gone and no hope of getting it back....oh what a mess!! I am back 'online' and so happy to be back....so now I have time to post a new blog about the things that have been happening in my little life since the last time I was here.
The saddest news I have is that my grandpa has been in the hospital for the last week and a half, and in that time I have come to realize the fragility of life and our positions in it. My grandpa is 91 and up until his recent admittance to hospital, has been living on his own, in his own home, since my grandma passed years ago. He was pretty much self-sufficient (other than the help that we gave him) and was happy to remain in that home until the day he died; that is no longer in the plans for him....and it make me sad.
I know that in his condition there is no way that he can go home and be "on his own", but I also know that he will be so disappointed as that is what he would truly like to do. It truly makes a person think about how fast life can change from what we know it to be in this moment; and believe me, the changes to my life have already shown me that to a certain degree, but nothing prepares you to watch your grandparents or parents have to leave their home and become less and less able to take care of themselves; and when faced with this situation I find myself realizing just how important my every moment is.
I am in love with my job of stay-at-home-mom, and now even more so because I know that the time I spend with my children can never be replaced. My daughter starts preschool this year and I am excited to be the "classroom mom" and to watch her grow and learn and become more independent; and I am learning to let go and appreciate that her independence is an important step on her journey through life. So many things happening all at the same time, and all of them give me more insight into life and the changes I need to make so that I can give my kid the best of me every day, because they deserve it and so do I.
The saddest news I have is that my grandpa has been in the hospital for the last week and a half, and in that time I have come to realize the fragility of life and our positions in it. My grandpa is 91 and up until his recent admittance to hospital, has been living on his own, in his own home, since my grandma passed years ago. He was pretty much self-sufficient (other than the help that we gave him) and was happy to remain in that home until the day he died; that is no longer in the plans for him....and it make me sad.
I know that in his condition there is no way that he can go home and be "on his own", but I also know that he will be so disappointed as that is what he would truly like to do. It truly makes a person think about how fast life can change from what we know it to be in this moment; and believe me, the changes to my life have already shown me that to a certain degree, but nothing prepares you to watch your grandparents or parents have to leave their home and become less and less able to take care of themselves; and when faced with this situation I find myself realizing just how important my every moment is.
I am in love with my job of stay-at-home-mom, and now even more so because I know that the time I spend with my children can never be replaced. My daughter starts preschool this year and I am excited to be the "classroom mom" and to watch her grow and learn and become more independent; and I am learning to let go and appreciate that her independence is an important step on her journey through life. So many things happening all at the same time, and all of them give me more insight into life and the changes I need to make so that I can give my kid the best of me every day, because they deserve it and so do I.
Tuesday, 26 July 2011
Parenting to Co-parenting....
I don't know why it has to be so difficult to go from parenting children together to.....well, essentially parenting children together but from different homes. I am in the peculiar situation where my ex and I are doing what we can to be friends and continue to raise our children in a friendly manner. Do we always agree? Not on your life....but we have, as of yet, been able to handle whatever has come our way with respect and kindness.
I know that is not the norm. You hear all the time about how people and their exes just can not get along and end up fighting about every little thing. I refuse to go there....and believe me, there are times that it is very hard to be happy and friendly in the face of different parenting ideals. No two parents are alike, and while there are disagreements between parents when they are still married, those disagreements can turn into all out war once the marriage is over.
I don't think that there is any separated/divorced couple who is able to come to an agreement on every issue, but I do think that if more parents would put the childishness, anger, and emotion behind them and move forward as co-parents (rather than as ex spouses) they would see what is truly important. My children have the benefit of seeing their father and I get along and work together to make their lives better, and I believe that as the years pass it will just get easier....as the hurt fades and the expectations level out, we will both be able to deal with each other without feeling that some comments are meant to be personal attacks.
Yes, that does happen.....I mean, we are human; and even though we have known each other for 12 years, when a marriage ends the person you were married to changes into a different person altogether. There are things about each other that we would like to see change, and there are things about ourselves that we know push buttons....but over time, if we really work to make the children the number one priority, then we can win this thing.........okay, we will never be "best friends" but I do think that we can be friendly, and our children can see respect and kindness in our actions.
It is more important to show them that even when relationships fail adults can come together for the sake of their children and make life easy...or at least easier than the alternative.
I know that is not the norm. You hear all the time about how people and their exes just can not get along and end up fighting about every little thing. I refuse to go there....and believe me, there are times that it is very hard to be happy and friendly in the face of different parenting ideals. No two parents are alike, and while there are disagreements between parents when they are still married, those disagreements can turn into all out war once the marriage is over.
I don't think that there is any separated/divorced couple who is able to come to an agreement on every issue, but I do think that if more parents would put the childishness, anger, and emotion behind them and move forward as co-parents (rather than as ex spouses) they would see what is truly important. My children have the benefit of seeing their father and I get along and work together to make their lives better, and I believe that as the years pass it will just get easier....as the hurt fades and the expectations level out, we will both be able to deal with each other without feeling that some comments are meant to be personal attacks.
Yes, that does happen.....I mean, we are human; and even though we have known each other for 12 years, when a marriage ends the person you were married to changes into a different person altogether. There are things about each other that we would like to see change, and there are things about ourselves that we know push buttons....but over time, if we really work to make the children the number one priority, then we can win this thing.........okay, we will never be "best friends" but I do think that we can be friendly, and our children can see respect and kindness in our actions.
It is more important to show them that even when relationships fail adults can come together for the sake of their children and make life easy...or at least easier than the alternative.
Sunday, 17 July 2011
What??!! I'm not perfect??!!
Seriously though, I know I am not perfect...I have weight to lose, I have work to do on my confidence...and some days I could use some motivation when it comes to housework; but in the grand scheme of things, I am truly happy with the way I live my every day life.
I do NOT always make the right decisions...yeah, I know, hard to believe; but I do my best to make sure that the really important decisions that I make in my life...the ones that affect other people (particularly my littles) are made after careful consideration of all factors. I won't say that I only make the best decisions...because even after thinking on it, and sleeping on it; sometimes you just have to do what you want...even if it isn't the "best" decision to make.
I think that if we stop working on ourselves, and just accept who we are now as the "best" we will ever be (or even worse "good enough") then we will never achieve who we truly could be at our best. I know that I could have more patience, and I could work harder to be a healthier person; I could get out there and meet more people, and I could probably take a course to better myself. I am slowly working towards some of the goals that I have for myself, and right now I am taking the time to learn to truly love who I have become in the last year. I have learned a lot of lessons, and one of the most important ones is that I am a great person at the core of my being. I may not be "perfect", and I know I have work to do on myself; but I am proud of the work I have done, because for many years I just accepted where I was and didn't look at how important it was to keep striving to be better and do more on my journey to becoming the "best" me possible!
I do NOT always make the right decisions...yeah, I know, hard to believe; but I do my best to make sure that the really important decisions that I make in my life...the ones that affect other people (particularly my littles) are made after careful consideration of all factors. I won't say that I only make the best decisions...because even after thinking on it, and sleeping on it; sometimes you just have to do what you want...even if it isn't the "best" decision to make.
I think that if we stop working on ourselves, and just accept who we are now as the "best" we will ever be (or even worse "good enough") then we will never achieve who we truly could be at our best. I know that I could have more patience, and I could work harder to be a healthier person; I could get out there and meet more people, and I could probably take a course to better myself. I am slowly working towards some of the goals that I have for myself, and right now I am taking the time to learn to truly love who I have become in the last year. I have learned a lot of lessons, and one of the most important ones is that I am a great person at the core of my being. I may not be "perfect", and I know I have work to do on myself; but I am proud of the work I have done, because for many years I just accepted where I was and didn't look at how important it was to keep striving to be better and do more on my journey to becoming the "best" me possible!
Friday, 15 July 2011
New friends
With two kids who are involved in swimming and gymnastics, or dancing, etc. I find myself meeting other parents and talking to them about a variety of subjects. I enjoy meeting new people, and sort of feel like for a while it has stopped happening at the rate that it used to. I mean, let's be honest when our children are very young there are few opportunities to really meet new people in the way that you would as a single person, or as a mother of older children. I feel like you have to tread lightly when meeting other parents in this type of situation.
I have always liked people and being sociable, but that part of my life has been lacking in the past few years, and so I find myself hanging back and letting the other parents do the talking. It is hard for me to step out and stop being so shy...which believe me, anyone who has known me throughout my life would think is a funny description for me. I have become a person who is less confident than I would like to admit; yet if you asked me why, I couldn't tell you. I think for me, I isolated myself when I had kids and then with the separation I became even less secure about who I am at the very core.
Don't get me wrong, I love myself, and I know that I am a good person and a great mom; but I do question some of my past decisions (especially some that got me to this point, and in the way that I got here) and I question whether I am, in fact, the same person at the core that I have always been. I work hard to be the role model for my kids that I think they deserve, but I have been doing some soul searching, and have to wonder what things i should or could change to make my impression even better.
The people that I meet and invite into our lives have to be people who stand for the same types of things that I stand for...or that I want my kids exposed to, and therein lies the problem. You can meet all types of people through your kids and in life; but some of these people are NOT the kind that you want your children to become attached to. Once you separate from your partner/spouse, there is a distinct feeling that enters your heart; a questioning of your ability to find someone who will stand the test of time, because for all intents and purposes that "other parent" to your children was supposed to be your forever, so how do you know that the next decision is going to be a better one.
I know now what is truly important to me, and I really hope that I have learned enough about myself and what me and my kids deserve to make better choices in the future; because whether the "people" we meet are friends, new partners, or merely aquaintances it is important to make sure that they are people of quality and that they are people that we would be proud to stand beside and have our children around long term. I am no where near ready to find a "new partner", but I don't want to miss the opportunity because I am so busy trying to make it all "perfect". Having great partners/friends is not about how "perfect" they are, or how alike you are; it is more about finding those people who compliment you AND are willing to compromise and work together even when it seems like it is impossible.
I look forward to my kids being involved in sports and school as they get older, and I look forward to the "new people" that it will give me a chance to meet....and I can't wait to see if I have truly learned from my past and become the better person that I keep thinking that I am!
I have always liked people and being sociable, but that part of my life has been lacking in the past few years, and so I find myself hanging back and letting the other parents do the talking. It is hard for me to step out and stop being so shy...which believe me, anyone who has known me throughout my life would think is a funny description for me. I have become a person who is less confident than I would like to admit; yet if you asked me why, I couldn't tell you. I think for me, I isolated myself when I had kids and then with the separation I became even less secure about who I am at the very core.
Don't get me wrong, I love myself, and I know that I am a good person and a great mom; but I do question some of my past decisions (especially some that got me to this point, and in the way that I got here) and I question whether I am, in fact, the same person at the core that I have always been. I work hard to be the role model for my kids that I think they deserve, but I have been doing some soul searching, and have to wonder what things i should or could change to make my impression even better.
The people that I meet and invite into our lives have to be people who stand for the same types of things that I stand for...or that I want my kids exposed to, and therein lies the problem. You can meet all types of people through your kids and in life; but some of these people are NOT the kind that you want your children to become attached to. Once you separate from your partner/spouse, there is a distinct feeling that enters your heart; a questioning of your ability to find someone who will stand the test of time, because for all intents and purposes that "other parent" to your children was supposed to be your forever, so how do you know that the next decision is going to be a better one.
I know now what is truly important to me, and I really hope that I have learned enough about myself and what me and my kids deserve to make better choices in the future; because whether the "people" we meet are friends, new partners, or merely aquaintances it is important to make sure that they are people of quality and that they are people that we would be proud to stand beside and have our children around long term. I am no where near ready to find a "new partner", but I don't want to miss the opportunity because I am so busy trying to make it all "perfect". Having great partners/friends is not about how "perfect" they are, or how alike you are; it is more about finding those people who compliment you AND are willing to compromise and work together even when it seems like it is impossible.
I look forward to my kids being involved in sports and school as they get older, and I look forward to the "new people" that it will give me a chance to meet....and I can't wait to see if I have truly learned from my past and become the better person that I keep thinking that I am!
Thursday, 7 July 2011
Is there not an easier way?
As I journey through becoming a single mom, I realize why so many people seem to rebound into relationships very quickly after the end of their marriage/partnership. I know it sounds like something that should be easy to understand, but in reality when you are in the beginning stages of separation it seems impossible (for some, like myself) to even imagine starting the whole process of dating......and then you put the kids to bed, and the loneliness consumes you.
Now don't get me wrong, when I was married my ex worked out of town most of the time, so I am used to being a "single parent" but there is a very distinct difference between being the sole parent in the home...and being the sole parent.
The loss of "your person" (to quote Grey's Anatomy) is one of the hardest things to truly comprehend and deal with. Even when things aren't "perfect" (or even good) with the other parent, there is someone to lean on or commiserate with; but when you split up that is gone and you are truly on your own. You can have a million friends, and wonderful family..but what it all comes down to, is that everyone needs to have "their person". That person who is behind you even when your rant is stupid, that person who will tell you how beautiful/handsome you are when you most need it...and yes that one person who can stand up to your worst moods to tell you that you are being crazy and need to take a breather. We all need that, and when you have had it for many years, and find yourself without it can be very daunting and down right scary.
Now, how do you FIND that person? Well, some use online dating or speed dating, or even mail-order brides (okay the last one might be a tad far-fetched...maybe) but I have to think that there is a better way...an easier way...a more dignified way. Why can't we all wear a badge that says "married", "single", "divorced" etc. I know, I know...the ring, it doesn't always make it any easier to figure out who is and who isn't. We all know married people who do not wear the ring, for work or pleasure..or whatever the reason. Again, I ask...how do you find someone? I honestly don't remember how I found people when I was dating last...I do know that my ex and I met through a mutual friend; the problem is that most people in my age group are paired off, either with a wife or new girlfriend/boyfriend.
Not that I am anywhere close to worrying about finding anyone...the prospects for "how" to go about it are enough to make me vow to be single forever!
Ok, maybe not forever, but a very long time......
Now don't get me wrong, when I was married my ex worked out of town most of the time, so I am used to being a "single parent" but there is a very distinct difference between being the sole parent in the home...and being the sole parent.
The loss of "your person" (to quote Grey's Anatomy) is one of the hardest things to truly comprehend and deal with. Even when things aren't "perfect" (or even good) with the other parent, there is someone to lean on or commiserate with; but when you split up that is gone and you are truly on your own. You can have a million friends, and wonderful family..but what it all comes down to, is that everyone needs to have "their person". That person who is behind you even when your rant is stupid, that person who will tell you how beautiful/handsome you are when you most need it...and yes that one person who can stand up to your worst moods to tell you that you are being crazy and need to take a breather. We all need that, and when you have had it for many years, and find yourself without it can be very daunting and down right scary.
Now, how do you FIND that person? Well, some use online dating or speed dating, or even mail-order brides (okay the last one might be a tad far-fetched...maybe) but I have to think that there is a better way...an easier way...a more dignified way. Why can't we all wear a badge that says "married", "single", "divorced" etc. I know, I know...the ring, it doesn't always make it any easier to figure out who is and who isn't. We all know married people who do not wear the ring, for work or pleasure..or whatever the reason. Again, I ask...how do you find someone? I honestly don't remember how I found people when I was dating last...I do know that my ex and I met through a mutual friend; the problem is that most people in my age group are paired off, either with a wife or new girlfriend/boyfriend.
Not that I am anywhere close to worrying about finding anyone...the prospects for "how" to go about it are enough to make me vow to be single forever!
Ok, maybe not forever, but a very long time......
Just a little judgment…
So I was posting a comment on a forum recently and realized that often there are misunderstandings on those forums and because of what must be a character flaw of mine, I tend to take the responses to heart when they are negative. I know that my opinion is not going to be the same as everyone elses, and how boring it would be if it were, but I don’t think that there needs to be such a drastic and angry response when someone voices an opinion that isn’t like your own.
I am generally able to turn the other cheek and realize that whoever is angry with my post (which is usually exactly my opinion and is very rarely emotionally charged) just doesn’t get that some of us are not going to say what is expected and doesn’t get that a public forum is made up of many different people with different life experiences and different opinions……that is both the beauty and the horror of posting to a public medium.
Now my situation is different than many in my shoes, and because of this I tend to think that those who expect to separate from their partner and have everything run smoothly is in for a shocker….it just rarely happens. My ex and I are able to look past the minor details and work through things, most of the time…and on the times when it doesn’t happen that way, we each walk away and dust ourselves off and come at it with a new approach the next time. Not everyone is the same…which is okay, but if you are going to take everyone’s opinions and ideas personally when they don’t validate your own, you will be hurt every time.
Judgment comes in many forms, from in your face to someone making remarks about you that they can’t possibly know to be true…because they only know you as a screen name on a site that they visit. One of the easiest ways to come face to face with judgment is to become a parent…you see, everyone who has ever had a child in their life (their own or just one they saw briefly at a store) is an expert and knows exactly how you should be raising yours. I have had complete strangers approach me and offer “sage advice” about what I should/could be doing differently to make my children and their lives better. The funniest thing about that, is that my kids are amazing, well behaved, and kind…not sure they need to be “better”.
It starts even before the child is born, I mean if you use meds during labour you will hear form many that we are “lucky” to be having babies now because that wasn’t available “back when I had babies”…and really, even if it was available, they wouldn’t have used it because it is soooo bad for the baby. If you don’t used meds you are asked if you are crazy?? Why in the heck would anyone do THAT without medication? If you breastfeed you are indecent and will push others to do the same; and if you feed formula you are poisoning your child. If you circumcise your son you are cruel and ignorant, and if you don’t you haven’t listened to years worth of medical information….REALLY??
It is impossible to make everyone happy, but why is it okay? Why do we not tell people to keep their judgment to themselves, or better yet…walk away? I have started to cut people off when they say something that doesn’t help me in any way. I don’t want to hear someone elses opinion of why I should do things differently, or why my way isn’t the best way. I take pride in the way I have raised my kids, and I don’t feel like I need to explain myself to anyone…especially if I didn’t ask.
Which brings me to my point (I know it took a while to get here) if you don’t want judgment, don’t bring it upon yourself; or at the very least, read your post from every angle before posting it so that it only invites the comments you want to hear. Often it is the comments from people who read into your post in a different way than you ever would have, that actually help the most….but then you actually have to be open to a different opinion to get that. Hmmmm….just my opinion though.
I am generally able to turn the other cheek and realize that whoever is angry with my post (which is usually exactly my opinion and is very rarely emotionally charged) just doesn’t get that some of us are not going to say what is expected and doesn’t get that a public forum is made up of many different people with different life experiences and different opinions……that is both the beauty and the horror of posting to a public medium.
Now my situation is different than many in my shoes, and because of this I tend to think that those who expect to separate from their partner and have everything run smoothly is in for a shocker….it just rarely happens. My ex and I are able to look past the minor details and work through things, most of the time…and on the times when it doesn’t happen that way, we each walk away and dust ourselves off and come at it with a new approach the next time. Not everyone is the same…which is okay, but if you are going to take everyone’s opinions and ideas personally when they don’t validate your own, you will be hurt every time.
Judgment comes in many forms, from in your face to someone making remarks about you that they can’t possibly know to be true…because they only know you as a screen name on a site that they visit. One of the easiest ways to come face to face with judgment is to become a parent…you see, everyone who has ever had a child in their life (their own or just one they saw briefly at a store) is an expert and knows exactly how you should be raising yours. I have had complete strangers approach me and offer “sage advice” about what I should/could be doing differently to make my children and their lives better. The funniest thing about that, is that my kids are amazing, well behaved, and kind…not sure they need to be “better”.
It starts even before the child is born, I mean if you use meds during labour you will hear form many that we are “lucky” to be having babies now because that wasn’t available “back when I had babies”…and really, even if it was available, they wouldn’t have used it because it is soooo bad for the baby. If you don’t used meds you are asked if you are crazy?? Why in the heck would anyone do THAT without medication? If you breastfeed you are indecent and will push others to do the same; and if you feed formula you are poisoning your child. If you circumcise your son you are cruel and ignorant, and if you don’t you haven’t listened to years worth of medical information….REALLY??
It is impossible to make everyone happy, but why is it okay? Why do we not tell people to keep their judgment to themselves, or better yet…walk away? I have started to cut people off when they say something that doesn’t help me in any way. I don’t want to hear someone elses opinion of why I should do things differently, or why my way isn’t the best way. I take pride in the way I have raised my kids, and I don’t feel like I need to explain myself to anyone…especially if I didn’t ask.
Which brings me to my point (I know it took a while to get here) if you don’t want judgment, don’t bring it upon yourself; or at the very least, read your post from every angle before posting it so that it only invites the comments you want to hear. Often it is the comments from people who read into your post in a different way than you ever would have, that actually help the most….but then you actually have to be open to a different opinion to get that. Hmmmm….just my opinion though.
Strength
In the last year I have learned a lot about true strength, and not for the reasons that many would think; it isn’t because I am now an overworked single mom…I mean really is a single mom any more overworked than any other parent out there? No, I have learned about strength by watching my children at 2 and 4 accept changes to their life that made me worry and cry and kept me awake many nights after the decision to separate.
I didn’t cry because of the loss of my husband (not through death, but through mistakes that should never have been made) but because of the failure of my marriage…the tearing apart of a family, and what I was sure would be the ruin of my perfect, beautiful, loving children. I just knew that the breakdown of this family would be the end of them…and I was so worried about how to tell them, and how they would take it. I had visions of rebellious teens and psychiatrist bills that I would never be able to afford….I didn’t know what I would tell them, or how they would accept it…or IF they would accept it.
I have learned from my babies, that a “new normal” doesn’t mean scary, or wrong, it simply means different and that is okay. I have learned that children can accept change and can thrive even when circumstances are grim…and to me, divorce is a grim future for a child. I have learned from my children, that love for them is all I need to make a successful, happy life, and that even when things aren’t perfect they are happy just to be with me; and i am happy just to be with them.
I know I am strong, but my children are so much stronger than I will ever be….and they don’t even realize it!!
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)